Why Not Me?

Louisa—she made it to earth!

I've talked about asking the question "why" before—the good it can do to question and wonder about your life. Now, I want to talk about asking the question "why not me?"

When I was pregnant with my seventh child, I was almost 43 years old. I knew in my heart that a little girl was waiting to come into my family and I fervently wanted to bring her to earth. I read the idea somewhere that children must come from God on a very fragile thread of spider-web, and I believe that to be true, as I had experienced miscarriage four times before Louisa made it across that tightrope into my arms.

It was a difficult pregnancy because of my age, and I struggled against daily contractions and impending miscarriage. My children prayed that "Mommy's baby will stay in!" I didn't lift a milk jug, or open a window or climb stairs or do anything that might strain myself and start the miscarriage process. Every morning for breakfast I took a bowl full of supplements and capsules of herbs to strengthen me and prevent miscarriage. I was morning sick, and this was a superhuman challenge to get them down and keep them down.

When it seemed the baby really would "stay in", my worries increased as I realized that I was soon to celebrate my 43rd birthday, and the chances of birth defects are dramatically higher as a woman ages. My chance of having a Down's Syndrome child was 1 in 30. I fussed thinking about it, and tried to rely on prayer to calm myself. One day I confided my fears to my midwife, hoping she would soothe them, and she said something that changed me forever. "Someone makes the statistics".

Someone makes the statistics! What a fear-inducing thought! Why not me?! If someone makes the statistics, then why not me?

And that has been a life-altering thing to realize. I think about it everyday. There are so many car accidents daily—why not me? There are birth defects and heart attacks and electrocutions and robberies and people who slip and fall and others who are scammed and lose their life savings . . . and so much more. Bad things happen. It is a fact. And someone makes the statistics. Why not me?

That may seem like a very gruesome thought, but it is a huge blessing to me to ponder! We seem to think we are invincible. As teenagers, we are just sure we will be the winner, be the star, win the race, get the scholarship, marry the handsome prince, and live happily ever after. We feel like Superman, untouched by troubles that afflict the common human race. Realizing that someone makes the statistics helped me realize the tremendous blessings that I do have!

At that time, though, pregnant with Louisa, I was fear-struck by my midwife's comment. Then I looked into the faces of my six healthy children, and realized that somehow by God's grace, I had not yet made the statistics. And even if I did, He would be there to help me and make a good thing of it.

Why not me? That thought has served to make me count my blessings every single day. I have my troubles, like everyone, but it is amazing, almost beyond belief, that so many good things have come my way! God has blessed me so very much! Somehow I have escaped the divorce statistics, the infertility statistics, the unemployment statistics, the fatal car crash statistics, the world hunger statistics, the heart disease or cancer statistics. I have not even added to the swine flu statistics!

Facing the reality of all those possibilities makes me even more filled with gratitude! I live out in the country. Right now as I gaze out the window at the huge looming mountains near my home, God's evidence and power seem so apparent. Just stopping and thinking of his tender care of me personally makes tears spring into my eyes. I have been so blessed, so blessed in so many ways!

Why not me? And even if it was me, I know there would be meaning and personal growth and His caring arms around me.

Cure for Despair

Life does bad stuff to us sometimes.

I was thinking about my husband's mysterious illness last year in the spring, exactly at this time. He was hospitalized off and on over the period of a couple of months, while the doctors were baffled as to what was causing his extreme symptoms. At one point, assuming he had bacterial meningitis, they told me he would not live through the night. There were times of fear and times of frustration as they performed yet another blood test, MRI, or spinal tap, getting frightening test results, but without being able to isolate the cause of illness. I often couldn't sleep, often couldn't eat, and wondered if my family could survive such upheaval. Prayer becomes your constant activity, no matter if you are alone in an elevator, or crouching in a closet. And despair is hard to hold off.

After awhile, I discovered an antidote to fear and despair. I know it is so obvious, but it wasn't to me in that circumstance. I discovered almost accidentally, that I could keep my spirits up by focusing on what was right, and mentally counting up all I could think of: 1) I have good supportive children, 2) the sun is shining, 3) a friend came to visit in the hospital and brought oranges which gave me something to eat for breakfast, 4) I can see a blossoming tree out of the hospital room window, 5) I got a good parking spot in the hospital parking lot that morning . . .


After several weeks, my husband was transferred to a specialized hospital, an hour away in a big city. I had not seen all my children for days and he was worsening significantly. I had to stretch very hard to find something to be grateful for. I left my husband for a moment to go to the cafeteria and had to walk through the children's ward of the hospital on my way there. I was flooded with gratitude that my children are healthy!

It was miraculous to me to experience the relief that comes from counting my blessings! And it works whether we are in life threatening circumstances, or just having trouble facing last night's dinner dishes.

Concentrating on the good helps our minds be relieved of all that is not right. Sometimes motherhood can be overwhelming. If you have many children, each one may have needs or issues that seem more than you can handle. There are days when housework, or even just laundry, can swallow you up. The economy and financial difficulties can make the future frighteningly uncertain. A sure relief is to count what is good, what is right, and all the small ways you are blessed. It is so refreshing to the spirit, and helps get the focus off everything that is wrong.

Count your blessings.
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings—see what God has done!

P.S. My husband was finally diagnosed with Handel's Syndrome--a rare and self-limited disorder in which a virus enters the spinal column and brain and wrecks havoc neurologically, until the body's immune system overtakes it. It has been nearly a year now, and he is totally healed and well, and we are so very grateful for that miracle!

And I am so thankful to have learned so many lessons from that grueling experience, including remembering that the cure for despair lies in being grateful.